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Ope, Sunk Again

I think my mortal enemy for this life is money. I am just not driven enough to go after it, but god damn does it rule my entire life. If I make enough, I absolutely fuck off and dig myself into a spending hole. If I am not making enough, I fall into this vast pit of anxiety and general discomfort which makes me make less money. I am saved by some magical money wizard that will gift me what I need when I get to the point of self destruct (where I was a few days ago), and that's awesome, but it also feels like an enabler haha I gave up doing resolutions a long time ago, but I do want to try and go into this next year being more money minded. Like, I want to be able to say no to ordering grubhub or whatever, and making unnecessary purchases and such. I just want to get over my need to hate money so much that I end up making my life harder. On another note, I need to get my motivation fixed. I am hoping that my little mushy friends will help me out, but I just don't have too much f...
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I Gotta Axe Myself

 Alright, throwing out another random blurb. Today was a really good day for me, and same with yesterday. I accomplished a lot of goals, set down my bills for the month, replaced my headlamp which I have been putting off for ages, and bought an axe so I can go axe throwing on my own! I know it sounds dumb, but I am always putting off the things I love and putting off the things I need because either I don't feel like I deserve them, or I feel like when I attempt to do anything I will end up failing horribly. It's insanely ironic considering I am always the one to figure out how to solve someone else's issue, like putting in a headlamp or changing a tire or fixing plumbing blah blah blah. I seriously think that I have some kind of complex in my noggin that just makes me not want to do anything beneficial for myself because I have never really believed that I deserved it.  Anyway, that's it (: 
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A Big FAT Thank You to Lizzo

 So, long story short (even though it doesn't matter since I will probably be the only one who ever reads this and I kinda know my own story), I have been really distant from my family for such a long time. It's sucked, and yes, I don't believe that you have to have your family to be happy, but lord have mercy do they help you understand yourself. I've been insanely lucky to be able to spend the last few days with my beautiful aunt Lottie, just her and I and the occasional pup or duck. I think in the past I was either distracted by trying to get out of my family by way of shitty boyfriends, or I was so distant from her because in my simple lil baby mind, she was the exact same as my mom (who, I now understand isn't some evil harbinger of pain). It's been so eye opening and amazing to be able to reconnect and actual get to know her and for her to genuinely interested in getting to know me.  I think I sometimes think that I am just not worth knowing to other peopl...
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Like a Diary Entry Maybe?

I have a single set of oracle cards that I like to pull from occasionally when my spirit feels so inclined. After watching quite the documentary (Shouting Down Midnight), which resonated loudly through my body and soul, I pulled a card that asked me to pursue some kind of creative endeavor. This is the first thing that I thought about... so, here I am, writing a blog about I don't know, for the purpose of I don't know, about me who really... I don't know.  Maybe this will be a blog about finally addressing the pain that remains from my abortion nearly 10 years ago. I tend to think of this event as the catalyst of a lot of unhappiness, but I was also deeply unhappy beforehand. Maybe I have scapegoated this event as the catalyst when really it's something else. Fuck, maybe there wasn't ever really an event but I am just kind of like... off? I have always had some strong emotion issues. Is that ADD... or autism? IDFK. I really don't.  MAYBE I SHOULD STOP TRYING TO ...
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