Ope, Sunk Again

I think my mortal enemy for this life is money. I am just not driven enough to go after it, but god damn does it rule my entire life. If I make enough, I absolutely fuck off and dig myself into a spending hole. If I am not making enough, I fall into this vast pit of anxiety and general discomfort which makes me make less money. I am saved by some magical money wizard that will gift me what I need when I get to the point of self destruct (where I was a few days ago), and that's awesome, but it also feels like an enabler haha


I gave up doing resolutions a long time ago, but I do want to try and go into this next year being more money minded. Like, I want to be able to say no to ordering grubhub or whatever, and making unnecessary purchases and such. I just want to get over my need to hate money so much that I end up making my life harder.


On another note, I need to get my motivation fixed. I am hoping that my little mushy friends will help me out, but I just don't have too much faith. But that brings me into the biggest issue I have with myself right now - my mindset. I am definitely in a pretty comfy valley of anger, and hurt, and fear, and self-loathing, and like a million more things that I am just not that stoked on being. I really do want to get back in touch with my softer side - the side of me that doesn't let her lid fly when things go vaguely wrong. IDK, maybe it's just big wishing. I've been through a lot, and I don't really have that many people around me to help, and I don't really have the self-governing abilities to get the help that I need to get softer. Who knows...


Alright, did my thing, wrote what I wanted. 

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