Swimming and Sinking and Drying Off

 Alright, throwing out another random blurb. Today was a really good day for me, and same with yesterday. I accomplished a lot of goals, set down my bills for the month, replaced my headlamp which I have been putting off for ages, and bought an axe so I can go axe throwing on my own! I know it sounds dumb, but I am always putting off the things I love and putting off the things I need because either I don't feel like I deserve them, or I feel like when I attempt to do anything I will end up failing horribly. It's insanely ironic considering I am always the one to figure out how to solve someone else's issue, like putting in a headlamp or changing a tire or fixing plumbing blah blah blah. I seriously think that I have some kind of complex in my noggin that just makes me not want to do anything beneficial for myself because I have never really believed that I deserved it.  Anyway, that's it (: 

 So, long story short (even though it doesn't matter since I will probably be the only one who ever reads this and I kinda know my own story), I have been really distant from my family for such a long time. It's sucked, and yes, I don't believe that you have to have your family to be happy, but lord have mercy do they help you understand yourself. I've been insanely lucky to be able to spend the last few days with my beautiful aunt Lottie, just her and I and the occasional pup or duck. I think in the past I was either distracted by trying to get out of my family by way of shitty boyfriends, or I was so distant from her because in my simple lil baby mind, she was the exact same as my mom (who, I now understand isn't some evil harbinger of pain). It's been so eye opening and amazing to be able to reconnect and actual get to know her and for her to genuinely interested in getting to know me.  I think I sometimes think that I am just not worth knowing to other peopl...

I have a single set of oracle cards that I like to pull from occasionally when my spirit feels so inclined. After watching quite the documentary (Shouting Down Midnight), which resonated loudly through my body and soul, I pulled a card that asked me to pursue some kind of creative endeavor. This is the first thing that I thought about... so, here I am, writing a blog about I don't know, for the purpose of I don't know, about me who really... I don't know.  Maybe this will be a blog about finally addressing the pain that remains from my abortion nearly 10 years ago. I tend to think of this event as the catalyst of a lot of unhappiness, but I was also deeply unhappy beforehand. Maybe I have scapegoated this event as the catalyst when really it's something else. Fuck, maybe there wasn't ever really an event but I am just kind of like... off? I have always had some strong emotion issues. Is that ADD... or autism? IDFK. I really don't.  MAYBE I SHOULD STOP TRYING TO ...